Bravery

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“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”  ~Franklin P. Jones

We all experience difficult times and challenges.  I don’t think it’s possible to live a full and passionate life without running into trying times now and again.

And goodness, we sure don’t have to look very far to see there are situations all around us in need of solutions and people in need of help.

Sometimes the messiness of life can feel overwhelming, as if the weight of the whole world is upon our shoulders. And yes, sometimes things may even feel unbearable, just too much to carry. I think it may also be true, that during hard times, we don’t always feel very brave.

Least, I know I don’t, just head down, onward ho, and don’t think twice about the fear.

Personally, I’ve yet to see a guide that teaches us how to be brave.  But, I know, there have been more times than I can count that I wish there were one.  Every bit as much as I’ve wished at times there was a road map designed specifically for everyone in this life.

A map with just your name on it that would help you safely navigate any challenging path you may come upon.  Yep, I do wish that sometimes.  In fact, quite often, I also wish I had a magic wand that could make things better for anyone in need in this world. I like to dream big wishes!

Still, I guess, really the only few things I do know about bravery is one; we seldom see it in ourselves, but we always tend to see it in others; friend’s, family, neighbor’s, children, strangers, medical staff, teachers, patient’s, and caregiver’s.  And, yes maybe even our tiniest creatures of this world.

Secondly, I’ve learned, that the only real guide we have for bravery is; trusting that one experience will build upon another providing us more courage and strength, that we witness it through those experiences which others share with us and through observation in the world around us.

And lastly, because of all these examples, I’m just certain somehow then, bravery must have the power to be contagious?

Several days ago, I was outside getting a breath of fresh air.  Admittedly, I was wrestling a bit with my own vulnerability’s and how to be brave in the face of what seems like relentless changing challenges. And, well, of course, the other zillion worldly problems we can’t always escape from.

When, I was struck by the tiniest snail on the sidewalk at my feet and the very many trails he hath trod either over night or just that very morning.  WOW, talk about bravery in action.

This wee little fella’s only motivation may have been to only travel from one side of the sidewalk to the other.  Who knows, maybe in search of food, or just to be out of sight from harm taking refuge in the grass?

Yet, in doing so, he held his little head up, and kept moving forward all the while keeping his eye on his goal.

And most certainly on his ever long journey, it was met with detours and distractions.  Maybe even, eminent danger like; underfoot of children playing hopscotch on the sidewalk, a jogger, the wheels of bike, or even a four legged furry friend passing by.

Yet, still, by the looks of the maze of his many trails that he left behind as only snails do, with great determination, he forged on letting nothing hinder him.

Even more remarkably, he did so, with a heavy load upon his back; his home- “the shell” and whatever other burdens one tiny snail must bear.

While courageously holding his head high, he utilizes whatever means he has or may be required of him to change directions to his liking or to meet his needs, until he can reach his final destination.

As my fascination with this tiny friend became a little more childlike, I knelt down in front of his ever so small self.  He, meeting me eye to eye, with not so much as a flinch or safe retreat back into his shell to let me know he was afraid.

Gosh, I don’t know if the shoe were on the other foot, with he being me, and me being him, if I could remain that fearless, that brave.  The sure size of me compared to him, one would think would certainly scare him to death..

And yet, there he was minute, but tall and strong and equally sharing of space on this earth just as you and I do.  Obviously, the world around him, being every bit as difficult, scary, and frightening as it is for you and I at times.  Actually, it would be remiss of me to not say even more so.

Yet still, the wee brave little snail, carry’s on. He keeps on a’truckin’.  Doing so with great persistence and tenacity as he faces his own giant’s in every effort to just fulfill whatever mission, whatever purpose this life has placed upon him.

I don’t know, maybe on this day, this experience was yet another gentle and loving reminder from the Universe or even God, to me, to all of us.

A reminder, that we are all a bit like the little snail in that we all face giants on our path in life, and sometimes maybe even bigger ones’ on our life journey.

The giant may be a huge project or a long prepared speech in front of a large group of people.  It may be those last stubborn five pounds we are trying desperately to shed for our hearts sake.

It might be a lack of self- esteem, lake of motivation, loneliness, even the fear of failure  Or maybe it’s a job loss, an illness, a death of a loved one, the aging body, an aging parent, or adapting to retirement.

Maybe it’s raising a grandchild on your own in this day and age or, the loss of a friendship or maybe even a child.  The faces of giant’s are numerous.  It could very well be, just a very very hard day.

Yes, perhaps the snail was a simple reminder that all living things and all living beings are capable of being brave.  And yes, that occasionally we do need to be reminded of this.

While other times we may need to be shown the way, and still other times we may need to be brave together.

And that more often than not, we all travel a phenomenal amount of paths in this life to reach where we may need to be or our destination..

As I came to my feet, I paused for a moment, looked up to the heavens and tossed out a quiet thank-you to all who might be listening.  And as I walked back towards the house, it became clear; yes, bravery is “absolutely” contagious.

And, that as long as I live, I will continue to face circumstance’s that will teach me how to be brave.  We all will.

snail 2

 

Snowflake’s, Flower’s, Team Mathew and John

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Snowflake’s, Flower’s, and Team; Mathew and John

“A snowflake is one of God’s most fragile creations, but look what they can do when they stick together!”  Anonymous

Today I was sharing with one my doctors about the interesting day I had Wednesday. After hearing my story, he twisted my arm and double dared me to share it with all of you.

With so many heavy heart’s this Holiday perhaps it will bring a little tiny piece of solace to someone as it did to both of us. Please forgive me for the length and any errors. Merely writing a simple sentence these days with my illness is a tedious challenge and at any moment it can disappear. But I am determined.

And regardless of the intensity or how daunting my own challenges have now become these past months, it will always pale in comparison to much of the other pain and suffering of this world.  I am also keenly aware that just being able to spend this moment with you or these past days is a gift. Anytime with you is also always a blessing and I am most grateful for all that each one of you bring into my life. Thank you!

Yesterday from the time the snow started falling, to hearing the children playing outside my window; it quickly became apparent it wasn’t going to be just any other day in the ho hum drum of my daily medical routine.

I admit, the physical part of this beast has posed some increasing difficulty with accomplishing just about anything in a day, and at times, even getting out of bed in the morning, let alone be upright at all or making it through each day is nothing short of feeling like a miracle.

Not a poor me, just a hard fact for those of you that know I have only one gear, which was never that of slow. But yesterday the snow and the sweet sound of the children’s voices couldn’t help but to inspire anyone to get out of bed and it really was only the beginning of a series of mini saving graces throughout my day.

You might recall in my enthusiasm I quickly posted a thank you on behalf of God on Facebook but what followed throughout my day may be found to be a bit intriguing. If not, it’s still worth the risk of any shyness I feel in sharing.

After my Facebook post I made my way downstairs to await my ride to the day’s appointments. In typical routine, I rolled the blinds open to the deck to let the light in. I noted the snow on the deck and grinned again. Then my eyes wandered to a potted plant covered in snow, only to take a double take.

The plant which was given to me by my eldest son back in May and which was completely dead just a few days prior to today Wednesday had suddenly turned bright green. Even more surprising was that there was one very tiny purple flower standing strong amongst a bunch of white blooms shaped like snowflakes.

I made my way outside because I couldn’t help wanting to count them. There were a dozen fully bloomed white flowers and another dozen or so little white buds trying to open up. I don’t even recall those white flowers in the pot throughout the summer, let alone any purple ones. But life has been much a blur.. hum…..

Lately, I’ve felt a bit guilty that our family has been praying for a miracle for some time all the while looking in any and every direction for a sign of change, a God wink, a sign of hope and doing our best to embrace anything that might seem to be so.

I’ve also genuinely felt guilty having to focus so much energy on myself to keep going when the world is so in need of every one’s help as team. In fact the world in itself needs possibly a trillion miracles if not more. But still however little role my prayers might play, I still pray for those miracles in the world too.

I found myself touching the flowers to see if I was dreaming. I was so taken aback by them being all white and just one tiny purple one. Then the next thought that came to mind was one that we have all heard, “wash me whiter than snow”.

I stood there, in the snow looking at the white flowers with tears running down my face. Next, I felt this warmth radiate throughout my body; just like I did when I saw the snowflakes gently falling and then the sound of children’s voices playing outside in the snow. A feeling I have felt many times throughout my life. Maybe you can relate?

If you can, it’s that peaceful feeling where the moment is freeze framed, life stands still and we want it to last forever? It’s a sudden surge of reassurance that all will be well. It’s that intense feeling of unconditional love that brings peace and a knowing that hearts will mend, wounds will heal, all good things will come and everything will be right in our world. Do you recognize that feeling now? I hope so…….

At that moment, do you know what I recall wanting more than anything in the world? I wanted for all those parents in Newtown, all the people displaced from the Tsunami, all those suffering in our world and every one of my friends and family to feel just a little bit of that relief, that promise of hope that surged through me.

I wished more than anything I could have funneled that feeling to at least one other person right that very second. That perhaps, if I could’ve held just one hand at that very moment, or hugged one soul in need then maybe  the feeling may have run directly through me to someone else.

And maybe, just maybe if so, it might even in some very small way eased just a little heartache or bring a smile. Maybe that’s silly I don’t know, but the feelings were real.

My ride arrived, and suddenly I knew I would once again handle whatever came my way today. After all now my entire cup was now filled with a renewed sense of hope for the day. I really needed that moment. Isn’t it remarkable how these moments magically show up when we are most in need?

When I asked my ride how her day was going she replied just horrible, very rough and I’m, extremely mad and sad. Quite frankly she was so out of sorts, not in a good space at all that I was a little concerned.

In fact, I must have been gazing at her with eyes as big as saucers as she looked at me and said – “What, you have never felt like this?” I nodded my head affirming and continued listening intently to the heaviness of her heart. Then when she was done, she turned to me to apologize, in her words -dumping on me in the midst of so much uncertainty in my life.

I said don’t be sorry, life just plain hurts sometimes. I’m just ever sorry it does and wish I could make it go away, make it better. Then she asked how my night had been and my morning thus far and how I was feeling.

At this point I was a little reluctant to say much for fear of being tossed out on my ear into the nearest snow bank.  And, I certainly didn’t feel like commiserating that was for sure. It was obvious I was visibly physically struggling so I skipped the answer and moved on to what was more important to me at the moment blurting out that I was on a “snowflake and flower high”. She looked puzzled so I decided to share a little of my morning uncertain if it would be helpful or even understood.

When I got to the flower bit, it finally seemed to spark some interest, even brought a little smile, which I felt was a hopeful sign. We arrived at my first appointment and once again it was met with a little more unfavorable news which I really wanted to ignore and leave behind. Dumb ass appointments anyway but I shall march on because at least that means I’m still in the race.

As I was leaving the staff said they were so sorry, their tone spoke volumes and the sadness in their eyes was enough to get even me going. Darn it anyway. So, in my usual fashion I said no worries just another hill to climb, another turn in the route but just you wait and see I will get there so no sad eyes.

After that I didn’t waste a breath saying to my ride, it’s time to double up on the Holy Water. Can we make a stop by the church enroute to my next appt?  Then I turned to the staff and said look, I know who’s in the driver’s seat.

I’ve been drinking it for months, and if I have to swim in the stuff –watch me! It’s all about whatever works for each of us. Some days are York peppermint patty days, other days its ice-cream as of lately everyday is a Holy Water day and sometimes all of the above.

As we left the office there were two city workers working on a main line a few feet behind our car. One of them, almost like it was intentional -suddenly turned his back to me and at that moment across his shoulders in large hand written letters I spotted the word “LORD”, exactly liked that.

Next, as quickly as he turned around, he turned around again facing me again and smiling back. I almost thought I was seeing things. I had to get closer, I’m sure he thought I was nuts but when I saw it again I exclaimed in my slurring speech– WOW, I love your name!

He grinned a little wider and than his buddy says well what about mine? And he stretched out his arm to show me that right there on his sleeve was the name John.

Well, as my mind works and as the day was going thus far, I instantly thought of John the apostle like I do anytime I hear the name John. When I looked closer it read John Henry you know like the Folk hero and we both laughed again. Pretty cool I said.

Then John proceeds to tell me his buddy’s first name is Matthew. Well so here I was less than a minute prior mentioning we need to get more Holy Water, only to walk outside and see the LORD, John and Matthew, one who seemed to be two in the same.Okay not quite the real deal, but who knows? Do we ever really know?

I looked at both the gentleman grinning ear to ear and said guess what my name is? Mary, I said. And guess what else? We just happen to be on our way to the church to pick up some Holy Water.

Even more ironic is I said, is here you are working on a water main and I have this rare disease that at best is like a broken water main in the body. We were all just roaring. Lord fix my water main, and fill it up with Holy Water. hahaha

As I began to open the car door, I wished them a great day and a Merry Christmas when I realized my ride wasn’t waiting in the car. She had run back into the doctor’s office.

Apparently, she felt compelled to share with the staff what had just happened with the LORD and all. I may be wrong but I kind of think someone else may have received a little Godwink that she so needed in this day. Even perhaps a little ray of hope to help quiet the stormy waters in her life on this day.

Well my next appt the news wasn’t much better – and as I waited for labs for the second time today as I sat in a waiting rooms I heard the words “Be near me Lord Jesus “  from Away in a Manager by Third Day playing. What irony again.

So with all things in perspective, I didn’t dare complain. Today I got my snow, a bonus of a tiny purple flower standing strong and a team of white snowflake flowers to warm my heart. I also got my Holy Water in hand and best yet, I may have just experienced the Lord working in mysterious ways. At least that is what I shall choose to believe.

Yep, I’d say it was still a perfect day and it certainly wasn’t I that carried me through it.

Today as I spoke with the doctor I wondered what my day yesterday would have turned out like, or even today, if I hadn’t noted any messages of hope along the way.

Moral of the story my friends; even in the winter of our deepest despair, hope finds its way through and good things will come, they already have.

Christmas Peace to one and all!

Snow Angel Mom

 

The Gift of Life

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“There are two great days in a persons life ~ the day we are born, and the day we discover why.”  ~ William Barclay

Thirty-three years ago today, my life changed in a way I could never imagine. And on that day, my definition of what love felt like or looked like also never remained the same.

As a young adult in my twenty’s, and as a woman, and yes even as a friend, love as I knew it all changed when I became a Mom.

In this new role, I found myself completely smitten by the gaze of my first born son who looked back at me intently with a calming presence and gentleness but also with a fragility and meekness that bore great strength. There was spectacular warmth of unconditional love in those baby blues that one could only equate to holding great promise and hope.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t find themselves in awe of the gift of life and the birth of such innocence into our world. And yet still, to this day, I often find myself tongued tied and falling short of how to express to my children the amount of joy they have brought into my life, or how dearly I love them. Merely because finding the right words are often hard to choose.

Sitting here alone reflecting on that August day in 1981, I am reminded of how quickly time goes by along with the many turns, the varied paths, the peaks and valleys, and overall mileage our family has since traveled in these passing years.

Yet still what remains at the forefront of my mind are the most precious of moments that have sustained us and those that continue to do so. Those momentous occasions which have the power to make us feel so in love with life, and with each other.

Those moments or occasions that have the capacity to keep us centered and grounded on what life and this journey is truly meant to be about. One another.

I came across this handprint in my photos on my computer. It’s a homemade Christmas ornament that perhaps many of us can relate to by having at one time or another participated in making a handprint of some sort either in school or perhaps one like this.

I had made this one for my first baby boys first Christmas in 1981, and albeit it may not be all that attractive it was none the less filled with a sense of love, and a moment that may have only been captured once.

It was also a time in life when we had little money for maybe just a few gifts under the tree, let alone to spend on decking out the tree. In my mind though, that never really mattered, as I had already felt as though I had been touched and blessed by one of life’s greatest gifts. And really who could want or need anything more?

Like for all of us, the fond memories do seem as though they were just yesterday. And as so, still on this very day thirty three years later, I can close my eyes and remember pressing that tiny hand down into the salt flour dough.

The memory of when that tiny little hand of his clung so tightly to my finger for months on end until with what seemed like a blink of an eye it eventually grew big enough to cling to my hand. And always, always, in doing so it was without asking anything more of me but for my love and protection.

Yes, I remember back then. It was also nearly impossible to even imagine this little boy one day reaching a point in his life that maybe he wouldn’t feel that need to cling so tightly to my hand any longer. Or even the possibility of his tiny hand surpassing the size of mine.

Yet, still as most parents often wonder, I couldn’t help but dream a little about what it might be like when he grew from a boy to a man. What would that look like? What would he look like? What would those hands grow into? What gifts or talents would become of them? Who would he become? What would his passions be? Who would he fall in love with? What would make him happy? And, yes would he still need me in many ways?

Then I’d drift back to reality with my next breath nearly begging God please don’t let the time slip by too quickly. But as time does, it certainly did. And indeed as all children do grow seemingly before our eyes, this wee one did grow up too.

He grew up to be an amazing and loving man, far more than my dreams may have been able to envision. And well as for those tiny hands, naturally eventually they too surpassed the size of mine. And as life would have it, as I have aged, I am genuinely blessed for all the times he has reciprocated the love for his Mom by holding my hand.

Happiest Birthday son Jeremy Vandehey!

By the way, you also did an exceptional job being a big brother when the time came and taking Adam’s hand with great love to help show him the way in life. Both you and Adam have strong and loving hands, for which I am truly blessed, and the beautiful memories of you both will remain etched in my heart and memory forever.

I/We love you to the moon and back Jer, and infinity and beyond, have the best day ever!

Jer Handprint

I Believe In Second Chances

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robin

I Believe In Second Chances

 It was a beautiful January day, the 17th to be exact. The sun was out, and I might add, although the air was crisp, it was a rather exceptionally warm day for Oregon. In fact, with the warmer weather for this time of year one might question if we would miss our winter season altogether?

Having a little bit of spring fever in the midst of winter, I bundled up a bit, laced up my shoes, plugged in my headphones and headed outside for a little walk. It doesn’t seem all that long ago that the word walk actually would have been run.  Perhaps one day again, for today though, I will continue to be grateful for any steps I am able to take.

You see, once upon a time everything came so automatic for me, including walking. But now everything is more challenging, requiring precise, methodical and concentrated efforts from all my bodily systems to work together. So, now every task I do is considered part of my therapy. Right down to writing a simple sentence or listening to music to work on articulating words, vocabulary and word find.

So today, like every day, I will put in my time and work on walking to encourage coordination while making an effort for my gait to possibly recall a rhythm of natural movement. To strengthen my body, as well as my mind and spirit while balancing not over doing it.

It’s a fine line sometimes not to overdue, a very fine line for most of us.  Yet, I know I have to do it. So yes just another ordinary day in a not so ordinary life of someone with a mean disease and trying to overcome it. I do what I have to do!  I am still me. I am no different than you. I do what we are each called to do in our day. Persevere!

Once I was outside I began heading in one direction only to have something tug at me and encourage me to go the other way.  Granted these days everything I do is timed right down to the wire. Including, how long I can be up and out and about, to how long I can push through, to what I need to take with me to nourish my body. So even changing my direction can be a loss of precious energy and even time.

Sometimes I surprise myself. While other times my will to go is stronger than my body which screams, “You can’t make me, no -you can’t make me.”  I’ll no sooner get to the end of the driveway only to have to turn back because it’s obvious nothing will work or it’s just too dangerous. Today, I knew my time upright and out and about would be limited so when I made it even a few blocks I was thrilled.  Truthfully, no, I celebrated it!!

As I started to turn back towards home, I noticed a small black garden pot on its side in the gravel lying alongside the road. My first thought was one of disgust for the increasing amount of liter I see everywhere anymore but then suddenly my eyes focused in on two tiny little pair of eyes in the pot peering back at me.  Kneeling down I realized it was a little young Red Robin who for some reason had chosen to take shelter inside the pot.

Both instinct and intuition told me something was wrong. Most certainly she was hurt. “Oh dear this is not good I thought.”  I’m on borrowed time as it is and need to get home. “But, how can I leave her here?”   If I do, for certain her fate will be shortened somehow.  I said, “God make her spread her wings and fly.” And then, shamefully, “Or, help me close my eyes and walk away.”  Okay, well I knew the latter would never happen.

So, I did what I have done many times before when I’ve found an animal lost or hurt. I dialed the non-emergency police number to ask who or what organization might be able to help.  “Of course”, replied the dispatcher, “The Audubon Society, let me give you the number.”  Brilliant!!

I could feel myself fading fast cognitively and physically so I quickly dialed the number before it left my brain completely. My speech was beginning to slur more and that was a sure sign things were going to change within my body ever more quickly.

The volunteer who answered the phone asked my location, street address etc, and then asked if I could get closer to the Robin to see if she would allow me to pick her up in my hands.  I thought to myself, “I don’t think that is a good idea.” You see, among other things, I have no fight or flight myself and if I get spooked that could send me into a crisis and then we’d have a bigger problem than a little birdie on the side of the road. We could have BIG bird Mary lying along side of the road unable to fly (insert silly grin).

But, I obliged and just when I started to reach for her the wee Robin made a wobbly dash out of the pot and plunged head first into a hole about two feet away.  There she was, only her little feathered butt sticking up in the air. Poor thing I thought, “Just dandy -surely now she will suffocate to death.”

The volunteer asked me if I would still try to catch her and bring her to the center as they had no one available to come pick her up. I told her, I was really sorry but, I better head home and take care of myself right now.  I was just hoping they could send someone to pick her up. I’d never called the Audubon Society before so I wasn’t sure how it worked.  Then I let her know that when I got home I’d see if there was a neighbor or someone that could help me.

I made it home, took my medication and laid down for a rest while I pondered what to do or who I could ask to help.  I had already noticed while walking up our Terrace that no one seemed to be home. More than likely everyone was out taking advantage of the lovely day and doing something fun.  I called and then texted my youngest son who lives nearby but no answer so I knew he must be working.

After a while, I felt a little stronger, went to the garage to find a box, and then sat at the bottom of my stairs by the front door contemplating more about the situation. Knowing time was of essence for the little one, car keys and box in hand I went outside got in the car and proceeded to drive to the location knowing full well I shouldn’t be doing this. Let alone driving for this! I thought the least I could do was to make an honest attempt. And I kid you not, with all my heart I prayed steadily that she would have recovered and been long gone when I got there.  Okay, so it was more like chanting, pleading, and begging, “Fly little one fly”.

Finding the location, I got out of the car and pulled on my gloves as I walked across the street and then glanced over at the hole.  Amen she was gone. WHEW!

Well, not so fast.  A second glance and there she was right at my feet looking up at me. So, I knelt down while trying to sound comforting and told her I was going to help. Honestly, I’m not sure who I was trying to convince more, myself or the bird that all would be well.  I said, “I know you are scared, but little one, I am scared too.”  Oh, if you only knew the trouble I could get into.

This time though, she didn’t move, she just waited for me to gently pick her up and put her in the box. I then placed her on the passenger seat beside me. Have you ever held a wild bird in your hand? What a priceless, fragile yet beautiful feeling!

I thought okay, if I travel the back road and I can at least make it part way, worst case scenario I’ll call my older son who lives closest to the center to come and finish the trek. Albeit after a little scolding, “YOU DID WHAT MOM?”  Surely he will get over it, they usually do? And, if I do make it all the way but can’t drive home, certainly he can still bail me out, or I’ll call a taxi.

I drove ever slowly like one would with precious cargo. At one point the thought crossed my mind, “What if she freaks and somehow gets out through the crack in the box top?”  I tried not to entertain the thought of her being miraculously all well and flying around inside the van while I’m driving down the road. Yet, that would be a good thing.

Obviously someone was watching over us, as there were literally very few cars on the road as if someone was paving a clear path for us. I only heard her make a few very faint chirps to which I would reassure her, “Its okay little one, I know your scared, so am I, but together we can do this!”

Well, we made it. A quick look at my watch and I knew I still must hurry.  I swung open the door to the center and much to my surprise to a room full of people whose heads turned all at once and were looking at me grasping tightly my little treasure.

As I looked to my right, about three feet in front of me was a handler holding what I think was a Condor or Vulture who immediately when he laid eyes on me spread his wings wide open. It so caught me off guard all I could do was focus on my little box. But he was a big old thing, must have had a span of at least three feet wide or more.  And, behind this birds handler was another worker holding an Eagle who also decided it was high time to show off his wing span as well.  I thought. “Oh dear, we are all going to be lunch!”

Then about that time, one of the handlers addressed the crowd and said, “Looks like this lady has a little something that may need our attention so we best put these two feathered friends away.” Yes, good idea or you might find me on the floor. I didn’t really say that, but I sure felt seconds away from it.

The spectators left through a back door, and then a third volunteer took the box from me while I filled out some paper work. She asked if I wanted to stay for the exam. I thought, I really shouldn’t but I inquired whether it would take long. She said, “No, you may go outside where there is a viewing window and you can watch while we examine her. Then I will come out and give you our prognosis.”

Outside I stood gazing in the window along with a few parents and children who were also peering through the window looking at all the other animals in the holding cages obviously hoping for a little action.

One of the fathers announced to his children, “Look she has a box.” The children ever so excited replied, “What is it Daddy.” To which he replied, “We’ll know in just a minute.” And then, a vet or handler not sure exactly who was who, lifted my little friend out of the box.  A unison of awes echoed outside.  The children and well admittedly by this time probably the biggest child of all, me; stood nearly nose pressed against the window as three individuals took their turns examining every inch of her tiny body.

When they were all done one of them came out to let me know they would need to keep her. Nothing appeared broken but they couldn’t tell for sure if something was or if she was just ill.  She thanked me for bringing the Robin in, then gave me a card with the wee ones intake number on it and then proceeded to tell me I could call and check on her every day or so to see if she was improving.

And, if she did get well, she asked if I could pick her up and take her back and release her to where I found her. How cool is that?  I was already planning ahead who I could make arrangements with to help me do so.  The power of positive thinking works wonders you know!

Well, I made it home again safely, and as you might imagine I did call. The first week I called every day just like an anxious Mother Hen.  By the second day she was eating. The third day she was responding to the handlers. The forth day she was put on medication and the fifth day she was bright eyed and chirping more, yet still unable to fly.  The volunteers told me they would keep doing what they could and now maybe I should try calling once a week as any additional improvement seems to be slow. The big question remained would she ever fly again?

Well, you probably won’t believe what happened next, so if you’re not sitting down, you might like too.  Exactly, one week after I found little Robin, I was out working on walking again when I looked down and there was a little yellow bird. I believe a Finch.  Is someone toying with me?  If so, quite the sense of humor whomever it might be?

Kneeling down I tried to coax her to move but nothing. I thought this just can’t be happening again. I headed back to the house, rested, took my medication, and made a few calls to no avail. Found another box, and prayed like crazy, “Please be well and fly off.” I drove back to the location and phew she was long gone. Thank you Lord!

I continued my calls once a week to the Audubon Society, and finally on the 15th of February she had been placed in an outdoor pending cage trying to acclimate to flying again.  They still were not sure whether or not she would, but it was a good sign to be where she was now, and with her other birdie friends.

The morning of February 21st I awoke to chirping and singing out my window. So, I got up and walked over to the window to look outside when there I saw three Red Robins outside my window fluttering and playing and I thought gee I better call the center.   Happy Dance! Happy News!

The little Robin had been returned to the location I had found her and was out back in my neighborhood flying around somewhere. She was well! She was able to spread her wings and fly again. WOW!

As I reflected on this experience a few things came to mind. Firstly, I try not to complain much about what I am dealing with in my personal life, but these last couple years have been quite difficult for me. And, in particular the last couple months have found me pretty low at times.  Which generally is out of the norm for me, but I am human.

My health situation demands much from me, and I’ve had my work cut out to keep going physically.  Having said that, one thing that has always been important to me, beyond doing the best I can each day; is always trying to make something good come out of any difficult situation and finding any joy I can while I am on the journey.  So, I share this story with you, for a couple reasons, foremost, because I have always believed in second chances.

I believe in second chances whether it be with offering forgiveness, righting a wrong, mending a fence, or helping to repair or heal a broken relationship. I believe in second chances with finding joy after periods of unhappiness. I believe in second chances with new beginnings and starting over if we hit rock bottom. Yep. I even believe in second chances with finding love again after the unbearable loss of a loved one. And so much, much, more!

Every morning that I wake up, I have a second chance at not only the aforementioned but trying to overcome this God forsaken illness, otherwise known to me as my Goliath which robs every one of my bodily systems from functioning properly.

In fact, each and every one of us is offered a second chance with each new day. A second chance at starting something new, doing something differently and maybe even the things I previously mentioned.

One of the hardest things that I face daily is that many things in my life have had to be continually placed on hold, including some of my goals, and my greatest desires and dreams.  To live as though everything is on hold, in anticipation and pending in life, just as my little Robin was in his pending cage, is a very challenging place to be for any one of us. Yet, no matter what we may be faced with these times are more often than not exceptional opportunities for learning and much growth.

I’ve also learned that more often than not during our times of brokenness, whatever that may be; serious health problems, disability, loss or something on a more personal level that we tend to struggle more with what we feel we may have left to offer to others.  Maybe even, what our purpose in life may be any longer.  I know I do at times.

Yet when I find myself having a wonderful opportunity like I did with this Robin. A beautiful experience which left me feeling as though I’d experienced yet another God-wink on the journey. One that obviously was designed to grab my attention and remind me that no matter what we each face in life and no matter if our life feels as if something is pending; that it is true each one of us is needed.

That each and every one of us no matter our given situation in life, healthy or sick, depressed, lonely, rich or poor, we always have something to offer. That not only are we each an intricate cog in the wheel of life, but we also need one another because it takes each and every one of us working together to keep the wheel of life turning. Or as many say, the circle of life flowing.

I may not be out doing great things, but I can do little things with great love as the very beloved and very wise Mother Teresa once said. And so can you!

More often than not it is during those times when I am at my lowest when something like this experience will happen upon me and whisk a breath of fresh air into me when I needed it most. Which, in my mind makes any suffering I may have to endure more bearable, meaningful, and so worthwhile.

I’m not one to impose any beliefs on anyone else, I just wouldn’t do that. But for me, I know that what holds me upright in more ways than I can count, and what keeps me going, is my belief in something bigger than me which I choose to believe is God.

This wasn’t my first encounter with an animal or even a bird that has proven to lift me up.  So, out of curiosity I researched and educated myself a little more about the Red Robin as a bird. And, then being the spiritual being that I am, I decided to look up what the significance of a Robin might be as a spiritual symbol. I can’t help it I’m just a sponge who likes to take it all in while I am here on this earth.

It read, Robin:  Stimulation of new growth and renewal in many areas of life.  He teaches us that changes can be made with joy, laughter and a song in our heart.  The Robin shows us how to ride the winds of passion within our heart and become independent through change. He teaches us how to move forward with grace, tenacity, perseverance, and assertion.

It goes on to say:  Are you letting go of personal dramas? One’s that no longer serve a higher purpose. (Funny, right before this happened I had just committed to doing this with a very difficult situation.)

It continues: Are you exercising compassion and patience in mental and spiritual and emotional areas? (I try too!)

And then finally:  The Robin will teach how to incorporate new beginnings with faith, and trust in the process.  It is time to believe in yourself, and use the inspiration that is given. Listen carefully, it is time to sing your own song for a new period in life force abounds.

All rather intriguing- wouldn’t you say?  Well, it sure WOWED me!

The perfect design in our world of the Robin’s return in the springtime after a long winter makes complete sense. The spring offer’s all of us a new beginning, and a new season of second chances with many things.  How coincidental too, if you are one who practices a faith which participates in the Lenten season; the forty days observed prior to Easter.  A period of time where people are called to reflect and make changes in their personal lives. A time of pending, yet also anticipation for welcoming in new beginnings. And yes, a time which offers all of us second chances in a multitude of ways.

Who’s to say for certain why this experience happened across my path or why these moments do for any one of us for that matter. I can’t be certain of that answer anymore than I can as to why my heart chose to listen to the need for a change in the direction on my walk that day. But, I know what I’m going to choose to believe.

Again, I share this story with you today, not to be an imposition or to solicit any sympathy or pity. Not to draw attention to myself or to my own brokenness.

My sincere desire is always only ever to offer up hope to you during those times you may feel something is pending in your life. To offer you hope in believing in second chances. Whatever those may be, you will fly again!

To remind you that no matter what you may face in life. That just as the changing of the seasons, spring, summer, fall, or winter; some pending times we will experience walking together hand in hand. While other times, we may walk through these periods independently on our own time frame or even someone else’s time frame who may know what’s best for us.  And, that during these varied times never ever forget you always have something to offer. I know I need these reminders, sometimes daily. We all do!

Perhaps that little Robin reminded me a little of myself? Or, maybe one of my brothers or sisters on this journey we call life?   Who can’t relate to being broken in some way and unable to fly?  I can. Who can’t relate to having to take shelter at times?  I know I can. And golly who can’t relate to wanting to stick their head in the sand at times?  That’s my arm flailing in the air, see it?

I will never know the answers to all the questions in life. And that’s not my job. However, I will do my best to inquire, question and learn as much as I can while I am here. As well as, try to take care of the things around me when I am able or feel called to.

In closing, the one thing I am entirely certain of though is; that my little walk with my Robin friend completely validated for me not only how good it feels and what a blessing it is to be granted a second chance, but just how amazing it feels and how blessed one is when they are able to freely offer up a second chance.

Yes, I believe in second chances, sometimes thirds, fourths, fifths and so on and so on.

My hope is that you do too, and “If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands and never let it go. And if it changes your life, let it.” (Quote -author unknown)

Happy spring!

~Mary M. Vandehey  3.11.14

O’Tannenbaum

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O’ Tannenbaum

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” Larry Wilde

1968 was a big year for me. I was eight years old and had just completed third grade in school. The folks took a leave of absence from teaching and coaching,. They sold our house to close family friends, and we packed up and moved to Eugene, Oregon so Dad could complete his Doctorate in Education. A big and bold move for a family of five back then.

To me though, being so young, it just seemed like another adventure. Having left our Mid-West roots behind moving to Oregon in the early 60’s so Dad and Mom could full-fill their dreams; every summer involved a long road trip back to North Dakota and Minnesota to spend quality time with all our extended family. So in some ways, this move was just another adventure in the eyes of a child.

Still, even at the age of eight I was aware that I would be leaving close playmates for an entire year. I was also told that more than likely when we did move back I may not be returning to the same grade school. The idea was hard, but I wasn’t able to grasp completely that it may not be until Junior High when I might again have a chance to reconnect with my pals. So, I tried hard not to think about it. After all, Dad and Mom always knew best. Right?

We arrived in Eugene, spent the summer settling in, meeting our neighbors, making new friends and before I knew it school started,. With that, came forming knew friendships and rekindling of the heart. That year, during our Winter Program we had a guest speaker who shared a story about a Christmas Tree. He also shared with us how important tree’s are not only to Oregon, but everywhere; including the environment, preserving the land, wild life, and even our well-being.

Oh what I would give to remember it all in more detail but as I sit here writing this it is now December 2013; and as you can imagine much has taken place in in the forty-five years since. When the speaker finished his talk, Santa came out, handed each child a candy cane, and a very small Evergreen seedling about 4-6” tall wrapped in plastic with a red bow. I’m not sure what the other children did with theirs but I proudly carried mine home and couldn’t wait to plant it.

Previous to this move, I always had a babysitter after school as Mom was busy teaching. Another perk of the move was to have Mom home part of the time. She also was taking some college courses. I saw she was home, I ran through the door and with great excitement shared the program with her and my beautiful seedling and then exclaimed, “We really need to plant this right now.”

Then, my bubble burst when she uttered those words, “I think you better ask your Father.”. As a child you may remember yourself that when we had to wait to ask another parent, the possibilities might not be so great. I patiently waited by the window for Dad to get home from the College. He no sooner got in the door when I stood beaming in front of him holding up my seedling, my very own little tree, and asking him if we could plant it right now. Granted I was always the quietest and most patient of all three of us children but something really had a hold of me.

Dad always had a famous saying. “Why do you want to do that for?” The older I got the more I’d cringe when I would hear those words. Many a time I wondered if he never got over the “why’s” as a child. Other times I wondered if in some other life he was an attorney, or if perhaps in this life he spent too much time watching Perry Mason.

Eventually I came to understand that it was merely his way of teaching. His way to help us think through a process resulting in the best possible outcome. Sometimes, it didn’t feel like that though. Sometimes it felt like he wasn’t being supportive. When in fact he genuinely was.

Regardless, that was my Dad and I had to plead my case even at the wee age of eight. As best I could in my youthful language I tried to convey to him; it was good for us to do so, that we need to take care of the planet, and it will keep us well. Then before I knew it what popped out of my mouth next , and I think came all the way up from the bottom of my toes was what was lying on my heart most- “Because Dad it will die if we don’t!”.

He looked as me and said, well we are only renting this house we can’t plant it here. Quickly, I said how about a jar? I can put it in a jar. He was quiet for what seemed like FOREVER! I piped up again, a coffee can? Then he said, “What will you do with it when it outgrows the can?”. “Well, I said, that will be a long time Dad.” Naivety can be a good thing. “Besides that Dad, this way, when we move again I can take it with me.”

He said, “Do you really think it will live long enough to take back to Forest Grove with us?” “Yes, I will make sure Dad.” He found an old coffee can for me and we planted it. Then, probably like any eight year old I started to worry about it being out in the cold. It was so little. Dad said it should go out under the covered patio. I told him, I thought it would be happy in my bedroom window. 🙂 Well, the garage won- Dad was always big on compromises.

Every morning when I woke up I ran to the garage to see if it had changed at all, and more importantly that it was still alive. One morning I found an old towel in the garage and wrapped it around the can, like a blanket. What can I say, I was only eight and that is what they did on Charlie Brown.

That winter we had record snow in Eugene. It just kept coming down. The neighbors and town people all pulled together to clear roofs on homes, and businesses. We couldn’t even drive down our street, let alone get the car out of drive way. As kids we were having the time of our life. But, then suddenly in the midst of the snow storm Dad received a phone call that seemed to dampen all our joy. That phone call resulted in my very first experience losing someone I loved. Someone, I hardly ever got to spend time with. A special someone who was larger then life to me, my Dad’s father. My Grandpa Hansen had unexpectedly passed away.

Now it felt like the Holiday’s had a cloud hanging over it. Dad had to leave for Minnesota to help Grandma and his family. Mom was sad, really sad. No one seemed to talk much. Silently, my tree moved into my room with me. It looked really nice in my window, really happy. Mom didn’t seem to mind. I think she knew I needed something to hold onto. Mom’s know these things ya’ know? Some kids have pets, I had my tree. My very own Christmas Tree.

When Dad returned home from Minnesota he didn’t seem to mind either that my tree was in my room. Funny, with the fragility of life what becomes important and what does not.

Finally, Spring arrived. My little tree still hadn’t grown much but it was March and time to move it to the patio for more sun. Then just about the time things seemed to be getting back to normal around the house the phone rang again. It was yet another one of those calls. This time it was Mom’s Mother that had been taken ill. My Grandma Marschke. The sadness in my Mom’s eyes returned and once again something sad over shadowed our lives.

March to September 1969, became a blur. Dad finished school. The moving truck came and went, taking everything back to Forest Grove. We all ended up back in North Dakota for the summer, and by July Grandma passed away. When we eventually came back to Forest Grove the folks were right, we moved across town, and even though it was a small town I would attend a new grade school again. Once again, it was time to start over and welcome the idea of making new friends.

Dad and I found a nice corner in the yard for my tree. He still was a little uncertain if it would live, and then again if it did just how big it would really grow seemed to worry him a little. I could tell he was being cautious of my feelings, I just looked at him and said, “It will grow Dad, I believe.” Well, as the years went by, we all know the story, it grew, and it grew and it grew much faster than I.

In my adult years, so often I’ve looked at my little “big tree” in the yard and reflected on how back then life seemed so much simpler, much slower, often our fears seemed smaller and that even in the midst of difficult times we could still be easily satisfied. Often a sharp contrast to the world we live in today. Sometimes I wish I could funnel that era back into today’s youth who in my opinion have so much coming at them, and times much too fast.

It is true, we never know what seeds will be sprinkled into our life or what will take root. We also don’t really know what seeds we may impart on others that may grow and make a difference. But something that Christmas Season of ’68 took root in my heart and in hindsight it was probably when I needed it most.

I learned that year, that with every season, with every Holiday there are mixed blessings. That each one of us always misses someone around the table on a Holiday, so we must be sensitive to one another’s needs. That in the midst of great grief there are blessings in disguise, if we are not too afraid to open our eyes. And that there are seeds of hope all around us, just waiting to take root.

Not long before Dad passed away, we found ourselves standing together under my tree. We chatted a little about my life journey and his desire for me to keep pushing for the medical help I needed. I know he was always quietly worried about me. He looked at the tree and said I still can’t believe that little twig made it. I looked at him and said, “Always Believe Dad”. He answered, “I do, and no one will ever cut it down.”

This Christmas, I wish for every child to be showered with good seeds in their life. That they will always have a little something in their life, like my tree, to hold on to, to believe in and to keep them grounded in their times of need. And that they too will always have someone special in their life, that loves them enough and isn’t afraid to ask “Why” . So, they aren’t quick to react but rather choose decisions that will be good for all.

In 45 years my little tree has never had Christmas lights on it.

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas Dad. These lights are for you! You will never know “How that little twig, that little seedling, my little Christmas tree always stood 30 feet tall in my eye’s”

I love you,

Button

God Bless and Merry Christmas to each and every one of you and your families.

O'Tannenbaum

 

My Thanksgiving Prayer 2013

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My Thanksgiving Prayer 2013

As I contemplate what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, indeed I continue to count my blessings for the large group of medical professionals both near and far who invest their time, talents, knowledge, and research trying to keep me going physically.

Although I will probably embarrass two very special people in my life, I can’t help that especially on this day – my cup overflows with gratitude for son’s Jeremy and Adam who have had to shoulder much of my medical journey and who, more times than I can count, “at the drop of a hat” have come to be at my side.

Be it a medical crisis, hospital stay, treatment, appointments, travel companion, taxi, or errand boys. Needless to say, the bazillion other things they willing take care of around the house or otherwise without as much as a single complaint.

They’ve gone above and beyond as caregivers, cheering squad, sounding boards, and keeping me grounded. I know it hasn’t always been easy for them but with all my heart “this Mom” – is forever thankful to be blessed daily by their steadfast love. And, also for the love and support of their significant others Stephanie and Tabitha who love these guys dearly and graciously support all of us.

I love you all immensely!

Over the course of a lifetime we all face challenges. My experience has proven, and perhaps you agree, that life just seems to ebb and flow in that fashion for all people.

And, I think too, it’s human nature to have moments where we may waiver in our gratitude. At times we may even find it a little more difficult to count our blessings.

I came across a quote the other day by Poet John Taylor which intrigued me, “And though I ebb in worth, I’ll flow in thanks.” A few different interpretations came to mind be they right or wrong.

First, from a deeply personal level, having experienced how easy it is for society to equate our worth to our personal accomplishments; it can be very easy for someone who is facing serious illness or great difficulties to feel as if they have little to offer.

I pondered that one for a moment and then moved on to my second reflection which was regarding humility. I thought about the reality that I am but a tiny grain of sand in this sea of life.

A heartfelt reminder that my worth is no greater nor less than another human being. That I am just as vulnerable, fragile, and yet worthy of love – so be of open heart and embrace my thankfulness.

Then, I came to my final interpretation where to “ebb in worth” had little to do with any value per say. Rather, “ebb in worth” was calling me to embrace the certainty that each one of us, like a wave in the ocean, is only here for a brief instant, a passing moment.

That the obstacles or challenges we may face are merely the continual shifts in the ocean’s tide and just like standing at the shores edge watching the changes in the tide there is beauty, wonder, magnificence, power, strength and an unceasing amount of gratitude for the way in which it moves and also moves an individual.

For me, I concluded that the way I choose to move through the ebbs in my life, or even view my own “ebb in worth” is directly proportionate to my ability to flow with thankfulness for the very gift of life- in all it’s rare forms.

To do my best – in good times and bad. To relinquish the idea that I can control the end destiny of my life anymore than I can control the changes in the ocean tides.

To enjoy the beauty and wonder in all things and people who I encounter each and every day as if I may never pass this way again. And to look at every situation, big, small, or even mundane as an opportunity deserving of all my gratitude.

Today, indeed I am thankful that I live in area in this world where I have access to medical care knowing very well just how dear that may be to someone less fortunate.

I am thankful that my loving and supportive family has enlarged by yet another three beautiful souls this past year; as I’m fully aware that there are people of this world that have no-one to cling to, or no place to call home.

In the silence of my heart may the extra helping of prayers and love I send out this day reach those people.

I’m thankful for friends who in my book are merely an extension of family to me and whom I love unconditionally and who extend to me the same unconditional love. Many occasions I have felt the sting of loneliness, loss and rejection.

Today I will send a fruitful helping of prayers and love out to all those who yearn for the gift and warmth of friendship and unconditional love.

I am thankful that I believe in the tenderness and goodness of mankind, knowing that many live struggling with anger, bitterness, resentment and without knowing what peace in their heart feels like.

In the silence of my heart I send them an extra big helping of prayers and love on this day.

I am thankful for the utility that Facebook provides. The many connections represents a colorful and beautiful tapestry of amazing souls who have shared a bit of history together with me and which will forever be woven in my heart.

A place where we can come together to continue to celebrate with one another, cheer, support, vent, educate, laugh and even ask for prayer. I bet Mark Zuckerberg never realized that he was creating one of the worlds largest prayer-chains. 🙂

Today, I send an extra large helping of prayers and love out to all those who may feel disconnected from life and long for the reciprocation of sharing with others.

I am thankful for all the men and woman who are called to serve and protect one and all. As well as, for all those who step up to help in the face of a tragedy or in the event of a natural disaster.

Today, I send a very healthy dose of prayers and love out to all the helpers  and protectors of this world and to all who find themselves displaced and facing the painstaking task and hardship of starting over. May God lift you up and carry you on.

I am thankful for the times others have forgiven me for my faults, failings or any hurt I have imposed. I feel blessed to have experienced and witnessed the power of both forgiveness and grace in action.

Today I send a mega helping of prayers and love out to all who are in need of forgiveness, or are struggling to forgive. May they be gentle with themselves and know they are loved.

I’m thankful for those things that may seem irrelevant. Mr. Big Old Black Crow who sits outside my window every morning, who now has brought along another friend, or a partner.

I’m thankful not only that I am able to wake up, and am able to hear the dueling squawking, but that they remind me no living thing is meant to be alone.

I’m thankful too for the two squirrels that also peek in through my bedroom window each morning. Especially for the little one with only one eye. For the way he moves and scurries up the branches reminds me not to allow my brokenness to hinder me.

Today my critters all get extra Peanuts! Please don’t turn me into one of those organizations that discourages one to do so. 🙂

I’m thankful for the change in seasons. Spring, Summer, Fall and even the cold of Winter where the nakedness of trees exposes nests. It reminds me not only is every thing about nature awesome and precious, but that I too should look intently in life for that which might be hidden. Yup-today I gaze wide eyed to the heavens and say thank-you!

I’m thankful for the neighborhood children who find my front yard a safe haven to hang out. Looking out the window, I see creativity unfold- climbing a tree, hopscotch, hide and seek, even team-work.

Not only does it speak possibilities but it reminds me of my youth; a place if innocence, simplicity and not a care in the world. Today and everyday- I hold these children in my prayers that all their dreams come true.

I’m thankful for the little boy living across the street who when I step out my door, I can hear his wee angelic voice echo across the complex….”Hi Maywee, HI Maywee.”

It is true we can tell someone loves us by the way they say our name. 🙂 Melt my heart with gratitude. God Bless you child.

I’m thankful for another year with my Mom who even as she struggles with her loss of her faculties and daily living while navigating her Alzheimer world; she teaches those around her how to be brave and courageous with the changes in the tide and that no disease can not silence the power of love.

Yes, Dad, she is still the Queen and we know you are watching over her…:-)

I’m thankful to have Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Nephews, Bonus Kids and Grands, Great Nieces and Nephews who shower me with love and light.

I’m thankful that Great Niece Quinn who made it through her major surgery this year, has flourished, now says Aunt Maywee and thinks most days I’m on TV as Ellen DeGeneres.

Priceless…….as I’m humbled by this compliment through the eyes of a child. Today I send out healthy helpings of prayers, hugs and much love to each of them.

Little can anyone imagine how thankful I feel just being able to sit here at my computer in little spurts the last few days working hard on my typing, word find, and expression of thought while all my bodily functions ebb and flow throughout my days. Or even just how very worthy I feel if all I’ve had to offer was a smile to a stranger in my day.

Yes, I am thankful for much, and forever grateful that I understand we should never ever take anyone or anything for granted.

Wishing everyone a beautiful Thanksgiving- may blessings flow.

 

 

 

 

Sand Dollars from Heaven

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 “Sand Dollars from Heaven”

“I need the sea because it teaches me.” Pablo Neruda

There’s a prominent story that’s circulated for years about the Sand Dollar. The story illustrates this delicate and beautiful shell as being a symbol of the birth and death of Jesus. One of the many symbols left behind for us to be able to share Christ’s story.

There are different variations of sand dollars with nearly all having the same features except one which also has what resembles four nail holes on the front and a fifth hole that depicts a nail hole made by the roman spear as in the story of Christ. The etching on the front side of the sand dollar looks much like an Easter Lily with a star in the center which appeared unto the shepherds and led them from a far.

On the back side of the sand dollar the etching looks like a Christmas Poinsettia which reminds us of his birthday, our Christmas tide. And, if you break the center of the shell open there are five pieces of shell that look like doves just waiting to spread good will and peace. I have seen the little pieces inside and they sure do look remarkably just like doves, fascinating I must say.

Over the years I’ve heard many stories from others about their memorable finds or moments while on the beach. For me, it was nearly twenty years ago when I had taken the painful steps to end my marriage and remove myself and my children from the grips of a very abusive relationship.

In need of a positive change of scenery the boys and I packed up and headed to the beach for a weekend getaway. While they were happily entertaining themselves I decided to go for a walk on the beach. Probably the first time I had been alone on the beach in a very long time.

While I was walking, I began talking with God, the universe and anyone out there that might listen. As I strolled along I also noted that I was the only person on the beach, not another soul as far as I could see. Being entirely alone it finally started to register with me how much I had felt as though I was living in a form of survival mode day in and day out in the marriage. Before long, I found myself muttering out loud, rather than to myself as I typically do in a more prayerful manner.

While I processed everything I hadn’t realized how raw I had felt on the inside for so long. Likewise, as I chatted away I also felt like I was experiencing a sense of relief. I suppose from the heavy weight of the previous fourteen years.

The next thing I remember it felt like something surged through my body and then I began sobbing like a child. It was as if the tears where coming up all the way from my toes. My knees felt weaker and weaker until my whole body felt as though it went suddenly limp and I was no longer able to stand up. Have you ever found yourself rocked to that point?

Falling to me knees I resigned myself to letting it all out. Thank God there was no one else on the beach! It seemed my heart was pouring out all the anguish that had been pent up and lying dormant within me for all those years. It was so hard to believe that all that came up from within me.

When I finally caught my breath I recall nearly begging for God’s strength to take away the pain, for guidance in the days ahead, for his reassurance and also to replenish my hope cup. In my heart of hearts I was absolutely certain that the boys and I would be so much better off, but I was also realistic to the fact of the given situation that things would still be quite trying for all of us in the days ahead.

Again, I said to God, “I’m finding the need for your strength more than ever now and I’m trying not to feel so alone, but at this moment I really do. “ I’m sure in part that feeling stemmed because I never ever confided in anyone how bad things really were at home.

The next thing I remember is this profound peace came over me, and it was as if someone was holding me. Suddenly I felt the weakness in my knees subside and I was able to stand up and then I walked a few steps, shaking my legs out and stretching them a bit much like I would after a long run. Standing there trying to both compose and collect myself, my eyes caught something glistening in the sand; much to my surprise there lay the tiniest white and most perfect -full sand dollar I’d I had ever seen.

In all my life I have never found a full sand dollar. I gently picked it up while my eyes scoured the beach sand which was as entirely empty of any other shells or rocks, every bit as void as it was of people; except for this one very small sand dollar. It was as if it was simply dropped from the heavens.

Since I was a child I’ve always felt a bit spiritually connected to something much larger than me. But, that day on the beach I will say two things, one, it was the very first time I can recall ever completely falling apart. And, two, that tiny sand dollar, somehow, certainly had the power to totally synch it for me, that there is something bigger spiritually out there for all of us. That magnificent little shell completely validated for me any thoughts or feelings that I had, that indeed there really is. It was the only way I choose to view it, and my heart needed to believe it.

From that day forward, naturally I became even more drawn to the beach. It was my safe haven. No matter what may be going on in my life- good, bad or indifferent, when an opportunity presented itself for me to put my feet upon the sand and gaze out to what feels and looks like infinity and beyond; everything feels as though all is right within my world. Better still is, it always feels like both God and the spiritual world have their arms around me. I feel at home. Love those God hugs, love those great big universal hugs!

In the days, months and years to come since finding that precious and very special little sand dollar, I have continued my walks and conversations with God on the beach. And much to my surprise with every visit I find that he continues to reassure me that he is there guiding me, watching over me, watching over those I love and all whom I pray for, and watching over all this world. Yep, I know he’s there, and that there is something bigger than me out there as we continually have this ongoing dialogue with shells. Particularly these little ones that look like little china hat’s which always appear at my feet.

I’m also reassured of this because after walking though that very trying time in my life twenty years ago, there have since been two other times where I have been greatly tested by life and my own mortality. With the second of those two being one I am currently working towards overcoming too, which brings me to this next experience.
This past April, on a Saturday, my eldest son and his gal friend had made arrangements to take me to the beach. My son says, “Mom we are just going to do it.” Must say, he sounded a bit like a Nike slogan (insert silly grin.)

Due to health reasons, it’s been difficult for me to get away at any length. Needless to say I had not only felt long overdue for a beach visit but, I’ve also felt this great emptiness that we feel when something or even someone is missing in our life. My little beach visits became so vitally important, no I say crucial to my overall health and well being.

After we reached the beach the kids where sitting in the sand playing with my beloved grand doggie Oslo. They gave me a little space to meander off a little on my own to absorb all the oceans glory. With my health issues the kids typically hover over me not letting me get too far out of arms reach but on this day they honored my need for a little alone time, so I eventually made my way to the waters edge.

I began my conversation with God starting with, “You have no idea how good it is to see you, to be here with you.” I proceeded to thank him for this day, for continually looking over me this last year and for all the many other ways he has filled my hope cup day after day. Then I said, “I sure hope you’re listening. I sure hope you can hear me. If you are there, I love you and I’ve really missed our special time together on the beach.”

Although I was much more concerned with focusing on our conversation, simply being able to be on the beach and really savoring this moment- I really wasn’t looking for any answers in the sand. That’s usually what happens. I don’t really initiate combing the ground for answers, or acknowledgment from God or the universe.

Instead, I end up so engrossed in our time together and so caught up in the moment and the value of our conversation. Much like how we are when giving a friend our undivided attention. In fact, sometimes I catch myself firing away so much at God, and the universe that I need to slow down so I remember what questions I’ve asked and so I can listen for the answers. It seems it’s always after all my heart has been poured out and I’ve had some quiet time that I will feel this sudden peace flow through me and then something will appear in the sand.

Anyhow, on that April day when I had felt I had finished all I had to say, as usual I stopped in my tracks , looked out toward the ocean said a few prayerful words and then slowly started walking again when suddenly my eyes caught something sparkling beneath my feet in the sand. Low and behold there, once again lay a very tiny sand dollar. I was astonished. It nearly exactly resembled the sand dollar I had found 20 years prior on the beach. I picked it up staring at it in awe and felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude, and yes unconditional love.

As I looked at it I recall saying to God, “Oh my gosh-what an interesting journey these past twenty years have been, even more so the last twelve and yes, I know I couldn’t have done it without you.” I also recall saying, “I don’t always understand why people have to struggle so much in this life but it truly must have to be so we learn to lean on you more. So we learn to still look for the blessings that come, which in my opinion -are much sweeter due to the struggle on the journey. And last, so that we learn to give back to others all that you share with us.”

I continued to walk slowly, and low and behold there lay another sand dollar, then another and yet another. On that very day, in less than thirty minutes time on the beach I picked up 58 whole sand dollars without walking very far at all. It was as both I and the earth were being showered with sand dollars from heaven. I felt so overwhelmed-truly my cup runneth over.

I wasn’t sure why I picked up so many of the sand dollars rather than leave for others to enjoy. It was almost as if I was a kid again and something was urging me on to fill my coat pockets. But I do know- I did receive many answers that day, as well as a lot of strength, a whole lot of reassurance, a whole lot of hope, and a whole lot of love.

While I walked back to meet the kids, I stopped and handed a sand dollar each to the two young children playing. I shared one with my son and one with his girlfriend. I’m not sure if there is any significance in the number that I found. I’m sure if I were to analyze the significance of numbers there would be something to it- because as it seems that when it comes to God -there is always a perfect plan.

Today, I share with you this sand dollar story as a way to both pass on and give back that which has always been so freely and lovingly given to me- peace and hope.

sand dollar

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Hello ~  Welcome to my blog – and please check back soon!

I’m excited to begin dialoguing with you, getting to know you better and walking with you through your life journey.  Swapping stories, sharing similarities,  difference’s, our hopes, fears, dreams and how we can walk together on a path making it a little lighter, a little smoother and the future much brighter one step at a time!

Mary